A Safe Space for Moogles

Snuggle me, I'm adorable!


For truth, justice, and things that go Boom.


May 14th, 2015

Depression: a retrospective. ...no, that's too depressing.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
Ten years ago this month I was diagnosed with depression, started taking medicine for it, and dropped out of college.

It feels like I should be able to contextualize this at this point, make some sort of meaningful narrative out of it, but I can’t. I don’t feel distant enough from it. I haven’t forgiven myself for dropping out. Maybe I never will. I mean, I survived the subsequent years: living with my parents, going back to school, earning a degree that turned out to be pretty much worthless, taking on a fairly stressful job and being successful at it, even managing to live on my own for a couple of years, albeit with some financial support from my parents. I published a couple of stories. And, dude, moved to another country and got enciviled to my Person. That was a thing. But I don’t feel like I’ve changed significantly from the person who burst into tears when my first therapist told me I was worth something.

When I was taking my psych assessment last summer - hah, how time flies! - I tested in the ‘severe’ range for anxiety and depression. I think there was a little bias in that - I was under stress at the time, taking all these tests and all, so maybe I was over-reporting - but ‘moderate’ depression/anxiety/whateverthehell is wrong with me is still a struggle.

I’m not on meds anymore. Maybe I should be. I still feel like I’m worthless. But I can take pleasure in things. I can function. I’m doing okay.

Screw it. My narrative will be shamelessly escapist.

May 8th, 2015

Trying to borrow a little Chill Out before I head to my interview.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
You know, I heard a lot of bad stuff about Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" video, but after watching it I actually kind of dig it.

I mean, most of the complaints were about the 'twerking' bit, and I totally agree with that. The director could have handled that bit a lot better - can we see those ladies' faces, please? The other dance groups got to show THEIR faces. But overall the video's like... a celebration of being super awkward and not fitting in anywhere. Gee, I wonder why I respond to that.

I think this is what they mean by 'liking something with problematic elements.'

(This has been Moogle's Belated Opinions Theater.)

February 27th, 2015

Roddy's Adventure in Civilness!

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
I was bribed with cookies to post this, so you may all blame my partner.

Once upon a time, a tiny Roddy went to a civil partnership ceremony... )

January 20th, 2015

FIC: Dipolemacy, Chapter 1

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
Jumping back on the chapter-fic horse with this - serious attempt at a ridiculous premise. XD I've been working on it for a while, so let's see how this goes.

With Cybertron recovering from its long and destructive war, Rodimus Prime journeys to the Seeker-controlled city of New Vos in order to reclaim a part of himself long forgotten. But a dark secret and a fight over New Vos's future threatens to destroy everything Rodimus has worked so hard to build, and will push his skills both old and new to the limit. Politics is a dance, and in New Vos, dance can be deadly.

It didn't take long for the newly-minted Rodimus Prime to develop the instincts common to most officers, aided by having so recently being only a lowest-rank soldier... (Link to AO3)

January 13th, 2015

On a lighter note...

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
...for those of you who aren't on DW, I've written a couple more short things since landing on the Island. Lieutenant Buckethead (FFVII, pre-game, not CC compliant), and Close Encounters of the Sewer Kind (Avengers/TMNT crossover, takes place during The Winter Soldier.)

Both links go to AO3.

(Am working on a larger project, TF this time. Watch this space.)

In which I tried to be a shining beacon of virtue and failed spectacularly.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
“If only,” I keep hearing, whenever the subject of male entitlement or gun violence comes up. “If only some kind woman had given that poor boy a chance. If only she’d given me a chance to get into her panties. Then I wouldn’t have been so sad and lonely. Then he wouldn’t have shot six people. I feel for him. Poor guy.

This is the story of the time I gave a sad, lonely boy a chance.

“Cut )

November 18th, 2014

FIC: Voices of Fireworks (Galvatron/Hot Rod, PG-ish)

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
You know the scene in FF7 on the gondola? It's kind of like that. Takes place a little after The Return of Optimus Prime.

On AO3

...heh, maybe being in Englandia is good for my creativity. ^_^

November 7th, 2014

Further adventures in Englandia.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
I'm settling in here. I'm learning to depend on a bike and the bus for my transportation, and I've started to learn the ways of hot water and radiators. (There was... an attempt at a bath yesterday. The less said about it the better.) So far the only real disappointments have been the things that don't work: my debit card*, and Pandora. I have yet to find a replacement music app that lets me create custom stations. I miss my Pandora stations, dammit. ;_;

It's not easy missing my 'Boots while she's at work, but it's wonderful to get to spend the evenings with her. And whole weekends. ........^_^

*They've transitioned to cards with chips in them over here; as I understand it, there's an unfortunate distrust of chip cards in America due to disproportionately-powerful paranoid God-botherers who think it's the Mark of the Beast or some such thing.

October 20th, 2014

Join me in embracing the pink.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
Just signal-boosting this mini-essay.

Why G1 Arcee Still Matters

*points up* Why I love G1 Arcee above all others, and why I will never stop making female robot fancharacters.

October 9th, 2014

*dolphin noises*

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
Ladies and gentlemen and otherwise: after a comedy of errors, little sleep, a lot of panic and a really long wait, I am SLAGGING THRILLED to announce that I have my entry visa and 'Boots and I are finally setting a date!

That date, namely, being December 1st. If all goes well I'll be flying out at the end of this month. I'm excited, terrified, mostly relieved.

September 8th, 2014

What I believe, OR: Agnostic Apologetics.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
TL:DR - I'm an agnostic. Sort of.

Just some things I've been sorting out in my head. )

August 8th, 2014

There is too much. Let me sum up.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
OKAY. Lots of things have happened in the past month. Quick summary:

- Quit my job at the animal hospital. Everyone was very kind and claimed they were sad to see me go. I too experienced some flicker of emotion. ;)
- After a lot of runarounds, blank looks, misinformation and general bullshit, I have FINALLY got all my visa stuff done and am now just waiting for a decision. According to the government-run website, 75% of applications get processed within 1 month, and 95% get processed within 3 months. I'm... really hoping to be in the 75% here, seriously.
- Went to visit the extended family one last time before The Big Move. It was nice to see everybody (even the cousins, who are almost strangers to me), but the aunties have not, it seems, given up on their campaign to get me to join Facebook. Aaaagh.*

Jobless-me is falling back on old patterns of sloth. I'm trying to keep busy with gym time and various writing projects, but currently I've got my nose buried in Final Fantasy IX and may not come up for air anytime soon. (Kupo.)

*'But how will we keep in touch?' ...same way we always do, with the occasional email. Seriously, why does this only come up now that I'm moving?

May 29th, 2014

So, got my psych report back...

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
Not ADD. Just lots and lots of depression and anxiety. (Seriously I am on the 99th percentile on both, I don't know how that is. I know I'm a trainwreck, but I didn't think I was THAT much of a trainwreck.)

Recommendations: medications. And therapy. Again. I don't feel like it helped me all that much last time I was doing it, but maybe now that I have an anxiety diagnosis along with the depression....? I'm going to try again. It's not just me I have to think about anymore, you know?

(Took myself out to the mall afterwards 'cause I always feel raw after talking about all the shit that's wrong with me. Found Kingdom Hearts socks at Hot Topic. Kingdom Hearts socks, y'all. If that doesn't cheer me up nothing will.)

May 1st, 2014

A Very Important Announcement

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
*cough* *taps mic*

I'm engaged to [info]deepbluesquee. I will be moving to Englandia to start our life together at the end of summer, and the actual paper-signing will happen in October.

Yes, I'm excited. And a little bit terrified. But this has been a long time coming. <333

That is all. Go about your business.


April 30th, 2014

My Star Wars VII Wishlist

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
So, even my mom knows they announced the cast list for Star Wars Episode VII, so I figure you've all squeed/groaned over them (according to inclination) already. Me, I've never heard of any of the new guys, so I don't have any strong feelings. It did, however, get me thinking on what I'd like to see from the new movie in general. So, here I go, just in case anyone's listening. ;)

1. If there MUST be only one new female character (I know, I know, but Mako killed it all by herself in Pacific Rim, so you never know), make her the heart of the story. Don't give me yet another fantasy world that sits me down and tells me I only matter as eye candy. 'Cause I'm some slagging horrible eye candy. I'm the candy corn of eye candy.

2. Leia uses Force powers. And I mean does something amazing with them, not just makes something float or whatever. Doesn't have to be a battle-magic kind of thing, just - fulfill the promise Luke made when he told Leia "you'll learn to use it as I have."

3. Anakin's ghost still hanging around. Yeah, I know, I know, but imagine what a great perspective that would be for the good guys to have access to - like a Dark Side consultant. 'Cause you KNOW there's gonna be Sith Lords. Hell, imagine Anakin being a professor for the new crop of baby Jedi. :D

4. A sense of humor, dammit.

5. No bikinis. None. I do not want a whole new generation's worth of "but it's actually EMPOWERING!!!" No. We have had ONE harem outfit in this fandom, people, unless you're willing to stick one of the men in the slave garb this time I don't wanna hear it anymore.

6. Some decent worldbuilding. Sure, explosions are nice, but give me some nice chewy sociology in my sci-fi.

How 'bout y'all? Anything you're hoping to see? Any big NOPEs?

April 11th, 2014

Adventure Princess! Seriously my every fantasy since the age of eight.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
I kind of really want to write post-movie Tangled fic wherein Rapunzel is basically a cheerful friendly Batman.

Think about it: this girl can do everything. She's an artistic polymath, she can throw darts and swing a mean frying pan, she's comfortable with magic (raised by a witch, remember, even if she doesn't have the Magic Hair anymore) and could probably easily learn to do some of her own, she has contacts in the underworld and the resources of a princess. And she is largely self-taught! Which means she is HELLA SMART, you guys. There is no limit to what she can accomplish.

...Except perhaps for the emotional fallout from being raised by an emotional abuser, with the added punch of learning that she kidnapped you as a baby and was only using you for your hair. Which is interesting in a completely different direction, though I'm not sure I could do it justice. XD I mean, weepy damsel she is not, but there is no way she is not a little fucked in the head from all that.

...which, I suppose, lends itself to the Batman thing. XD

April 1st, 2014

Re: the *shudder* new TMNT movie.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
I'm almost fascinated by the whole thing, as one would be fascinated by a train coming into the station far too fast and already on fire. I mean, just so many poor decisions, one after the other, it's almost awe-inspiring. The Shredder being played by a white guy*, the mangled backstory, the (ohgod) faces. How can so much Wrong be packed into one project?

You know who I feel the most sorry for? Megan Fox. After her involvement with the Transformers franchise and the inglorious exit therefrom (and don't think that throwaway 'Yeah, she was a bitch' line in DotM didn't make me want to strangle Bay and Shia with each other's intestines), here she is in the middle of another geek property that's going horribly wrong. Which means she's about to get hit with a whole new generation of angry fanboys typing out their screeds accusing her of somehow ruining their childhood with one hand while jerking off to her picture with the other. The poor girl.

I sincerely hope that her next geek/scifi project is with a competent development team. And when we get a Power Rangers movie in a few years (you KNOW it's coming), she should definitely play Red.

*They're not even trying anymore, are they? They know everyone's expecting to see a Japanese guy in the role. They know they're going to get blowback for this. The only possible reason for this choice is 'we're racist, and we think you are too.' Fuck you too, guys.

March 9th, 2014

My issues cannot be quantified.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
My first time talking to a therapist in four-ish years went down a few days ago, and long story short, she couldn't figure out what's wrong with me. I told her why I suspected ADD, I told her my history with depression, and I guess some of the things I said pinged 'anxiety disorder' to her. So the purpose of the testing is to figure out what the root of it all is, which might wind up being one of several things or a combination thereof.

I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. I've never been tested before, my first therapist just said 'yep, sounds like depression, here's some pills' and I guess subsequent therapists just took their cue from that. I'm kind of curious about the whole process and what I'll find out about myself. Who knows, maybe I'll have some obscure and freakish brain chemical imbalance unknown to science. XD

(I have to admit I'm kind of married to the idea of ADD though. It really does seem to fit, looking back on my history, especially at school. There's a definite attraction to the idea that I could take a pill and become less useless. ...though I know it's not going to be that simple.)

January 20th, 2014

This is probably why I don't do well on job interviews.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
Work has hired a new head tech. She's competent, hardworking, pleasant, and has entirely unintentionally has hung a big flashing neon sign over one of my biggest character flaws: every time she asks me something about myself, even the smallest most inconsequential thing, I give an evasive or smartass answer and exit the conversation as quickly as humanly possible. Apparently I interact with the world as if I am a suspect in act two of an episode of Law & Order. -_-

They're not even really invasive questions. If anything, they're kind of... sanitized corporate getting-to-know-you! :D questions. (Which, admittedly, always makes my skin crawl a bit, which may be part of the problem.) I've been working there for quite a long time, so I'm not really worried that New Head Tech will change my bosses' opinion of me, but I dread the day she asks if I'm okay/something's wrong/do we need to have a Meeting.

I just... hate talking about myself. Part of me still expects to be made fun of if I reveal anything at all about my interests or hobbies. There are a lot of things I keep back even on the relative emotional safety of the internet. I don't want to talk about my future plans or career aspirations* to what amounts to an affable stranger with whom I am forced by circumstance to spend time. I just want to do my job and go home.

And I am still utterly, utterly baffled by the idea that she might just genuinely want to get to know me.

*This is partially because I am still very, very ashamed of my life and all of my choices. And at this point, 'I want to be a writer/artist!' sounds as laughable as 'I want to be a princess/dinosaur/Jedi/astronaut!'

January 12th, 2014

So I went to England again.

Add to Memories Tell a Friend
In Which Moogle Experiences Her First Moor, Narrowly Escapes Death By Evil Dolls, And Has Far Too Much Fun With A Tiny Roddy Plushie

Image-heavy, sense-light. )

Conclusion: I had a blast, and will definitely be back. So will tinyRoddy. :DDDD
Powered by InsaneJournal