|raisedbymoogles (raisedbymoogles) wrote,|
@ 2013-01-21 22:49:00
I'm slowly beginning to realize that I don't - quite - trust my mother anymore.
This is a big thing, okay? My mom used to be my best friend. Sometimes she was my only friend. I couldn't hide anything from her. But I think a lot of little "moments" between us have just started to add up.
So I was doodling in my little sketchbook last night and my mom asked to see. I didn't want to let her because a) they weren't that great, and b) they were basically AU robots and I didn't want to spend half an hour explaining it so she could get that wide-eyed 'my daughter is crazy' look and go 'oh, okay!' And then spend the rest of the evening making the occasional little comments that she probably thinks is 'just teasing' but that stick in my flesh and never go away. Trust me, I've got a whole collection of those barbs in my skin already.
I've been aware for a while that I'm not comfortable with the level of sharing Mom would like us to have. I heavily edit myself around her. I have to paste on a smile or she gets either Concerned or pissy, like I'm in a not-perfect mood at her. At the end of the year I had a whole week off work and I didn't tell her, because I just - wanted it to myself.
I guess I want a lot of things to myself.
Mom tried to argue me into showing her the doodles. When that didn't work she insisted on knowing why. I told her it was because she'd make fun of me. She told me that yes, she'd tease me a little, but that's how this family is! Because we love each other! We give each other crap to make each other laugh! Right?
....sometimes that kind of thing is fun. Sometimes it just hits me right in my open sucking chest wound and I have no way of knowing which kind of teasing it'll be before it happens. I just... it's not worth it anymore.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up. I don't need Mom involved in every single aspect of my life. She doesn't need to know everything about me. .....It has of course occurred to me that she knows me better than I think she does, but the thought is frankly distressingly uncomfortable. Because I love my mom, and I know she loves me, but God does that give her an open line to rip my heart out.