|raisedbymoogles (raisedbymoogles) wrote,|
@ 2008-03-11 01:44:00
A friend's post got me thinking, and it occurs to me that the people who I want to know this might not.
I'm not poor, really, but I am stretched pretty thin these days as a result of not working. My emotional reserves are running a bit lean too, for various reasons. (Because of that I've probably been a bit distant toward some of you, and I apologize.) A lot of people have stepped in to help ease the stress, whether through the occasional small toy or candy or whathaveyou or their help with projects or just simple companionship, Inviting Me Out Places. I'm grateful for that, but at the same time part of me feels terribly guilty because in a lot of cases I can't reciprocate.
I know my friends aren't doing these things for me because they expect to be repaid. If they were that kind of person they'd be friends with someone else. ;P But it's a mental construct I have: someone does something for me, I feel like I ought to do something for them. Somehow the picture of equality between friends got translated into a scale. It's not something I'm proud of, but it just hurts when I can't do anything for someone who's been kind to me.
I've kind of decided, though, to look at it this way: right now I'm powerless, but that's a temporary condition. One day I'll be in a position to help someone. One day I'll be able to take someone to the movies, or to a concert, or just brighten their day somehow, and that's what I'll do. I'll give back what I've been given in some form or another. Paying it forward, like.
The thing is, I believe in a kind of karma. Everything you do shapes who you are, and the ripples affect the world around you and become part of what the world gives back. If I just keep all this kindness to myself, it'll just turn sour, and I get a lot of things wrong but I won't let that happen.
Be patient with me a little longer, okay? I'll bear fruit soon, I promise.