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July 21st, 2015

The concept of emotional labor, and how I suck at it.

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Been reading through this article and the comments about it here about emotional labor (there are a lot of them. Seriously, be prepared for it to eat at least two days’ worth of your free time.) and - well. It gave me a new vocabulary for talking about myself, so here we go.

whywontthisdisplaymorethanoneword )

May 14th, 2015

Depression: a retrospective. ...no, that's too depressing.

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Ten years ago this month I was diagnosed with depression, started taking medicine for it, and dropped out of college.

It feels like I should be able to contextualize this at this point, make some sort of meaningful narrative out of it, but I can’t. I don’t feel distant enough from it. I haven’t forgiven myself for dropping out. Maybe I never will. I mean, I survived the subsequent years: living with my parents, going back to school, earning a degree that turned out to be pretty much worthless, taking on a fairly stressful job and being successful at it, even managing to live on my own for a couple of years, albeit with some financial support from my parents. I published a couple of stories. And, dude, moved to another country and got enciviled to my Person. That was a thing. But I don’t feel like I’ve changed significantly from the person who burst into tears when my first therapist told me I was worth something.

When I was taking my psych assessment last summer - hah, how time flies! - I tested in the ‘severe’ range for anxiety and depression. I think there was a little bias in that - I was under stress at the time, taking all these tests and all, so maybe I was over-reporting - but ‘moderate’ depression/anxiety/whateverthehell is wrong with me is still a struggle.

I’m not on meds anymore. Maybe I should be. I still feel like I’m worthless. But I can take pleasure in things. I can function. I’m doing okay.

Screw it. My narrative will be shamelessly escapist.

May 29th, 2014

So, got my psych report back...

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Not ADD. Just lots and lots of depression and anxiety. (Seriously I am on the 99th percentile on both, I don't know how that is. I know I'm a trainwreck, but I didn't think I was THAT much of a trainwreck.)

Recommendations: medications. And therapy. Again. I don't feel like it helped me all that much last time I was doing it, but maybe now that I have an anxiety diagnosis along with the depression....? I'm going to try again. It's not just me I have to think about anymore, you know?

(Took myself out to the mall afterwards 'cause I always feel raw after talking about all the shit that's wrong with me. Found Kingdom Hearts socks at Hot Topic. Kingdom Hearts socks, y'all. If that doesn't cheer me up nothing will.)

March 9th, 2014

My issues cannot be quantified.

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My first time talking to a therapist in four-ish years went down a few days ago, and long story short, she couldn't figure out what's wrong with me. I told her why I suspected ADD, I told her my history with depression, and I guess some of the things I said pinged 'anxiety disorder' to her. So the purpose of the testing is to figure out what the root of it all is, which might wind up being one of several things or a combination thereof.

I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. I've never been tested before, my first therapist just said 'yep, sounds like depression, here's some pills' and I guess subsequent therapists just took their cue from that. I'm kind of curious about the whole process and what I'll find out about myself. Who knows, maybe I'll have some obscure and freakish brain chemical imbalance unknown to science. XD

(I have to admit I'm kind of married to the idea of ADD though. It really does seem to fit, looking back on my history, especially at school. There's a definite attraction to the idea that I could take a pill and become less useless. ...though I know it's not going to be that simple.)

November 1st, 2013

So, I've been 29 for a little less than 24 hours now...

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...it doesn't upset me as much as turning 28 did. Maybe I'm accepting my mortality at last. ;P Or maybe my Not-Giving-A-Shit-Fu is getting stronger.

I have to say, though, I think pushing 30 would feel a lot better if I actually had my shit together. As it is pushing 30 just feels like pushing 16 with an added rent payment.*

*Actually, I've been taking a second look at the idea that I might be ADD/ADHD. It would explain a lot. But I have no idea where to go to get a diagnosis or treatment, or how I'd pay for it or when I'd have time to do it.

December 7th, 2010

TL;DR: It's been a Day.

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So for those of you just tuning in: I have clinical depression. Sometimes I also have bad days. The two may or may not be related, but they sure tend to feed on each other.

And the rest is behind a cut for Sad Things, including a dog being put to sleep. )

So I'm all out of HP, emotionally speaking. I kind of miss my therapist.

November 16th, 2010

I did want something to change.

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So, I'm going to be going full time at the animal hospital as an assistant (read: animal nurse, not just slinging poo anymore!) starting more or less tomorrow. I'm... kind of having mixed feelings about this.

...actually, no. That's a lie. I'm terrified. I'm scared I'll commit some spectacular fuckup that will result in the maiming or death of one of the animals, or just plain won't be able to handle the extra hours or responsibilities. The only reason I'm going ahead with this is because I'm even more afraid of being stuck where I am for the rest of my life. So, damn the torpedoes. Or something like that.

It's not what I want. But focusing on what I want hasn't gotten me anywhere, so I'm going to see what happens when I focus on what I need.

October 27th, 2010

Brb, playing with shinies.

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Spent more than I'm willing to admit on jewelry supplies. Looks like this Christmas will be a jewelry kind of Christmas, heh. (If you want some, let me know here.) So much instant gratification! As long as you're not stringing beads.

Also, I have pills again. Per [info]poptartodoom's suggestion, I went back to the pharmacy and asked to see my prescription. And WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, I had not two but three refills. Thank-you-very-much-yoink! ...Still doesn't make the two hours I spent on hold with the clinic any better, but at least I'm medicated.

October 22nd, 2010

Laugh to keep from crying.

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So, about a week ago, I went to my friendly corner grocery store to get a refill on my happy pills, only to be told that I didn't have any. I was promised two refills on this scrip, dear friendslist, so obviously someone has screwed up somewhere.* Ever since then I've been trying to get this sorted out, and when all else failed, to make an appointment with Doctor What Dispenses Prescriptions** to get a new scrip. This attempt has met with failure: today I was on hold for two goddamn hours and nothing to show for it. Which is about my limit.

Now, the clinic I'm enrolled at is the one that local poor people use. I did not have to use this clinic. My parents offered to pay for a more expensive clinic that would maybe be more responsive. I refused on the grounds that I am already more of a financial burden on them than I can stomach, but the point is I have that option. Most of the folks who go to Current Clinic, I'm assuming, do not have well-off parents. For them, this clinic is their only option. So my question is: how the shiny slag do THEY get any healthcare? These are people who have full-time or multiple jobs, kids, elderly parents/relatives, assorted other problems that preclude their ability to sit around for two hours in the middle of the day trying to talk to a fucking human being. How do they DO it?

Oh yeah. The welfare recipients in this country have it SO good. *headdesk*

*For once, it wasn't me.
**Like Doctor Who, except she makes sense.

May 26th, 2010

We'll see.

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Well, I slept through the night last night. We'll see if the pattern holds.

May 25th, 2010


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So at my doctor's appointment yesterday, I was told to stop taking sleeping pills. Mental health and sleeping blather. )

On an unrelated note, today I got to see five just-born chow puppies. They were criminally adorable.

April 23rd, 2010

Porn is cheaper than therapy. ...If you do it right.

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Had my first therapy appointment in a while. It was just your basic 'so what's your malfunction' meeting, but I'm getting back on the happy pills soon, so that's all right.

This has nothing to do with anything, but - well, have some Galvatron/Roddy porn. (Obsessed moogle is mildly obsessed.)

Humanfic, in which Galvatron is wet and blatantly pervy.

And just a little light bondage.

March 22nd, 2010


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Went to the doctor's today. Instead of giving me mood-stabilizing pills, they gave me a needle in my arm and sucked out some of my blood. THANKS DOC.

I was told that this was to check for anemia or thyroid problems on account of how I'm tired a lot, but I'm pretty sure this is a cover, and the nurses were feeding on my pain and suffering. (Yes, I was a wimp. Don't ask silly questions.)

Also, have some Wheeljack/Ratchet fluff. Written for (lj)poptartodoom's birthday. <3

April 2nd, 2009

Why I will never have an autobiography: my story is so goddamn banal.

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Everybody had an unhappy childhood. )

But I had a brief nap today, and I'm feeling better about things. More or less.

I hope it's sunny on Saturday. I want to go to the Cherry Blossom festival then.

June 25th, 2008

That Which Is

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Today in therapy my psychologist took me through some simple meditation.

I'd done stuff like it before, during Renfest rehearsals specifically, but it was mostly visualization techniques and anyway that's a place I don't want to go back to right now. This was very basic: focusing on the breath. It's... surprisingly difficult. It doesn't feel natural to me to focus on how I'm breathing, because I keep wanting to try to breathe deeper, slower, more in the belly, and trying to force your breath to do that kind of hurts after a while. My psychologist said that's normal, and that I'd get better with practice, which was encouraging.

While doing this, I also started noticing how tense my body was in places. My legs, then my arms where I had my elbows on the armrests - like I was straining to hold myself up even though the chair had a back. I managed to relax them with some effort - not, I admit, the point of the exercise, but it felt like the thing to do - and toward the end of the meditation, I actually felt something. Like om. That's the best I can explain it. I know it sounds weird, but I wasn't even looking for it, it just came to me.

...This is going to be an interesting journey.

In other news, my parents have officially bought a house. It's in northern Virginia, I don't remember exactly where, but it's close enough to Washington to make little difference. (I would've preferred Maryland, given my druthers, but it's their house.) I've seen pictures of it. It's very nice, quite huge (vacuuming is going to be a pain in the butt), and the backyard has an honest-to-goodness koi pond. With actual koi in it. :O

There's also two guests rooms which Mom is making noises about putting me in, and a finished basement with a projector screen. It all sounds lovely, but... I dunno how much I'm going to enjoy it. I'll be too focused on finally moving out of my parents.

Lastly, a memething from (lj)lighttomoyo:

I'm afraid of 19 out of 72 common fears. )
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